Something I was proud of was that today I gave away my first piece of artwork that I’ve made for someone. My new grandpa (my dad’s new wife’s stepdad. yeah. complicated) turned 48 today. This past week I noticed that along with the other magazines I make collages from, that I also have many “Guitar World” and guitar magazines. Richie is a musician and I began a guitar collage on an 11×14 canvas. I finished it on Tuesday and today was his birthday. I wrote a note on the back of it, and gave it to him. He really liked it and is hanging it in the practice space in the garage

I was very impressed with the collage because the texture and seal were perfect. I use Mod Podge Matte as my glue, and then sealed it with the same brand’s acrylic sealer. It only took one time and no loose edges or bad textures! It turned out very nice. I wish I would’ve taken a picture of it! Maybe next time I’m over there. It’s definitely a good feeling to know that some of your best work can be appreciated by the person you create it for. I’m considering doing more collages for people for Christmas.

Reconnecting with the creative mind has been my biggest feat in recovery from my alcoholism. Back when I used to have free time, I’d go out and drink. Now, I get crafty! I’ve been sober for 49 days, according to my calculations

“Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why.”

Make it through the month without drinking. Month 2 has been even harder than month 1, considering I nearly went to St.Andrews and bought out the whole supply of Huber’s wine. For the record, I stayed in my apartment. It’s the little victories.

One on each shoulder

Devil: WOO LET’S GET FUCKED UP YOU DON’T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM WINE/BEER/RUM/SCHNAPPS CAN FIX THIS
Angel: You’re going to disappoint everyone around you, cuntbag! And you’re gonna feel like hell in the morning and fuck your medications up.

Yeah. They both sound completely rational.

Another goal- obtain a job.

Another goal- graduate from my dual diagnosis (bipolar & anxiety/alcoholism) therapy situation. I WANT MY BRASS RING, GODDAMNIT!

This was a pretty cool and very explanatory photo.

Another goal- don’t fuck up what I’ve got going with this guy:

A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.

This one is tough- many things and people have made an impact on me. Very hard to choose just one!

I’d love to post a photo of myself and my clients from my job working with intellectual disabilities and brain injuries, but that would be a breach in confidentiality They are definitely very important, though!

So I guess…

My little sister Lindsey came into my life on October 17, 1992 when I was nearly 5 years old. She’s been a big impact on my life because I’ve always heard my parents telling me that she looks up to me and that I need to be a good role model for her. Whether or not any of that is true is always debatable. I swing between wanting to be her best friend and wanting to choke her, which is, I think, the definition of true sisterhood. It’s been really hard trying to figure out the balance between being responsible and being the “cool older sister”. I’m still working on that. I struggle with feeling guilty about the things we’ve done together in the past that were me giving bad examples- we’ve definitely gotten drunk and smoked weed together. And although I know that’s in the past and I’m a better person now, I just wonder what kind of effect that had on her. Regardless- she’s impacted my life almost to a fault and sometimes I want to join in and be a parent too when I feel like our parents aren’t doing what they should be doing, and then I’m let down when I realize that I don’t have a say in it!

My kitties

My two kitties. At the risk of sounding like a complete crazy cat lady, my first two pets that I’ve been completely responsible for are something that keeps me going on. At my darkest moments they’ve been there to cuddle me (It’s so strange but cats seem to know when you’re sad!) and not judge me. Pets in general have made more of an impact on me than most people have- I’ve lived a total of 6 days without a cat, and have never lived without a dog until I moved into my apartment (the family dog at my mom’s, BooBoo, I still consider my own too). Violet (the bigger cat in the picture) was rescued from the Humane Society 6 days after I moved in here- she was amazing from the start. She thinks she’s a dog, and she’s super smart! It felt good to rescue a cat who was over a year old (most people want a kitten). The smaller cat, Rezzie, my grandma’s boyfriend found outside at his house when she was under a month old. I got her in July and her and Violet became fast friends after a short territorial dispute. She’s named after Trent Reznor and is full of kitten angst and is very “street”, sometimes I have to remind myself that’s why she has no manners. I love them so much- when I was considering going into the hospital for mental health issues, my biggest hang-up was not being able to see my babies and who would take care of them.

All of my friends and family have impacted my life, but I just wanted to highlight the unusual ones as on these type of posts, it’s always someone’s parents or someone’s soulmate or whatever.

I have a few hobbies. They are all usually art-related.

Photography:

120 & 35mm

-I love film photography, but I do have a digital camera as well. On any given day, I have at least 2 cameras on me: my digital and my holga 135. I love my holga 120cfn, but there is nowhere in town that develops 120 film anymore, so I am getting used to my 135.

Collaging:

Not something I made...

-I’m addicted to collaging, whether it be my own pictures or magazine cutouts. I’m planning on doing a few series and attempting to get a gallery show. Despite choosing a career in the human services field, my real freedom and passion is art. If I ever find my fucking camera cord, I’ll post my own work!

Music:

One of the instruments I play...

-I miss playing music SO BAD! I played guitar, bass, piano, double bass, cello, violin, and viola. I also love to sing. I need to reconnect with this part of myself.

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These are really my main hobbies- I also like to read autobiographies of celebrities and I like to write in my notebook that is covered in a collage- something I began doing in high school and just recently picked back up. Other hobbies would be wallowing my cats and attempting to cook.

I’m not doing well with being on time for these blog posts! I’ve been pretty busy lately and the weather’s been absolutely beautiful so that’s where my time’s been. Oh, and cleaning and rearranging my apartment.

Somewhere I’ve been to…
I’ve only traveled within the United States but I must say I love the Gulf Coast, Chicago, and the Smoky Mountains the most. Beautiful Surroundings + Amazing Friends = good trips! Here are some snapshots.

On the way home from Florida…somewhere in Hell (AKA Georgia):

God wasn't home. As usual!

Clearwater Beach, at night:

Beware of Lifeguard!

My favorite bridge from St.Petersburg to Terra Ceia:

Best discovery in Florida in 2010!

Yo, homes, TO BELLEAIR!

Gratutitous Postcard Beach Shot

On a more local scale, this was a fun day-trip:

Dinosaur World, Cave City KY

Caladesi Island, Florida 2009:

This is what the ENTIRE island sand is like! It feels funny on your feet

Chasing Waterfalls in the Great Smoky Mountains, 2008:

Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to!

Freezing in Chicago, 2008:

Beans, Beans...

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I love to travel…these are only a few pictures of the places I’ve been, usually trips have about 200+ photographs. These were all taken by me, too- no photoshop either. Just naturally beautiful places- one of the things that give me hope in the world!

PS: to put the waterfall into perspective, the girl in the picture is my best friend Whitney and she’s only about 5’2″.

I’m so not good at posting on the actual correct day!!

Songs for a soundtrack…I’m going to make notes of what times in my life they would cover so it’s easier for me to pick out songs.

“Freefallin’” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
This is the first song I ever remember hearing as a child so it’s only appropriate that it would come first. The only flaw is that it actually came out the year after I was born, but who’s counting?

“Fireworks” by The Animal Collective
Good memories from the past couple of years. This is one of those songs that I get absorbed into.

“Summertime Rolls” by Jane’s Addiction
My favorite song for the summer…definitely reminiscent of summer of 2009.

“She Talks to Angels” by The Black Crowes
I picked this song because it relates to my addictions.

“Souled Out!” by Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band
A song for fun moments. Also reminiscent of 2009.

“An Attempt to Tip the Scales” by Bright Eyes
About all of the things I’ve thrown myself into prematurely, or how I feel my youth was lost in the mess of details related to being a “grown up” and my need to ‘have my shit together’.

“Devil in the Details” by Bright Eyes
I tried not to pick all Bright Eyes songs! I swear. This song is dark and definitely something that would be relative to my struggle with anxiety, bipolar disorder and probably most of all- cutting.

“You can’t always get what you want” by The Rolling Stones
You can’t have a soundtrack without the Rolling Stones! I have to remind myself of the chorus almost daily.

“Tiny Vessels” by Death Cab for Cutie
The way I’ve lived my adult life- never letting anyone in and basically using men. I’m not proud of it but the chorus is “You are beautiful, but you don’t mean a thing to me.”. Says it all. It bothers me that I’ve probably hurt a lot of people.

“Bad Habit” by The Dresden Dolls
It’s about Amanda Palmer’s nail biting. It relates to a lot of my bad habits as well, both current and past.

“American Girl” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
About a girl determined to make it…”She couldn’t help thinkin’ that there was a little more to life somewhere else”. Certainly a song for growing up.

“My Stupid Mouth” by John Mayer
About many social interactions of mine. Mostly dates. I’m awkward!

“Roses” by Outkast
I just love this song. Best memory- dancing to it with about 20 people in a circle at my dad’s wedding this past September.

“Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd
I have a tattoo I based off of this song. It keeps me grounded- knowing that wherever I go, there I am. It also for some reason reminds me of my grandfather. It’s probably because it feels beachy. The line “Did you exchange a walk-on part in a war for a lead role in a cage?” really explains my feelings on my choices- creativity/arts vs. stability/human services.

“Time to Pretend” by MGMT
Daydreams! My friend Whitney and I used to talk about how we were the two people in the song. I’ll turn to her sometimes and say “Let’s make some music, make some money, find some models for wives”. I think we had a serious conversation once about which of us would “man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars” and who would “move to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars”.

“Highly Suspicious” by My Morning Jacket
This song is for anxiety! It reminds me of the last time I drank in a bar (Oct2) and I was darting under tables because I thought someone was after me. I remember telling my friend who was a bartender there that if the cops came, he saw nothing! I still can’t remember what I thought I had done. Hmm.

“The Becoming” by Nine Inch Nails
Describes my depression and the handful of psychotic episodes I’ve had related to it.

“Right Where It Belongs” by Nine Inch Nails
A definite thought provoking song. I was lucky enough to witness it live.

“Scar Tissue” by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
The loneliness of being the equivalent of a womanizer (a manizer? What am I?) I’ve let people get close and then just sabotaged it.

“Snow” by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
My alcoholism song. Yep.

“Portions for Foxes” by Rilo Kiley
My tendency to go back to my ex’s when I was young, and how I feel about myself sometimes- “I’m bad news”. And also- people I sleep with and have no intentions of entering into anything serious with them: “And the touching leads to sex…and then there is no mystery left.”

“Admit It!” by Say Anything
My general feelings on people my age. Not gonna lie.

“Sorry dudes, my bad” by Say Anything
About me needing to reach out more! Realizing that your friends are amazing and supportive is an eye-opener.

“Thank You Too!” by My Morning Jacket
I want to meet a lover like this.

“Lover I don’t have to love” by Bright Eyes
Love’s an excuse to get hurt, so sleep around! haha. I’m growing up and changing my ways but this song definitely needs to be in here.

“Librarian” by My Morning Jacket
Simply because I tend to look like a sexy librarian. I refuse to get contacts because I love my sexy plastic frame glasses.

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I know that was more than 15. I’d like to do this someday with specific artists- easily could be done with Bright Eyes! You can probably tell who my favorite bands are. I’m sure I could easily expand on this! It’s something I’ll probably blog about more. I love music- it’s my blood.

I’m aware that I’m late on this! I had an eventful day of cleaning, napping, then went on a wonderful date and then tie-dyed shirts with my best friend. Cut me some slack here, it’s Sunday!

Well, I’ve conquered a few habits I disliked about myself. Most recently, drinking…even though I didn’t drink everyday, I drank enough in a weekend to last me a month…every weekend. It was getting expensive and of course, unhealthy. I’ve got 1 month and 6 days sober, and I feel really good about that.

Anyway- a current habit of mine that I hate is chewing the skin around my fingernails until my fingers bleed. I don’t remember when I started doing this, but it’s out of control! I need to buy some nice gloves or something. I don’t know if it’s a nervous habit (I am quite the agoraphobic- I don’t pick my nails in my apartment, I’ve noticed.) or if it’s something I do out of boredom sometimes. I’d like to have pretty enough natural nails to get a manicure sometime soon. My nails do grow fast and are pretty nice to be natural nails, but I don’t like long nails so I cut them short and chow down on my fingers.

OMNOMNOMNOMNOM

There’s a song by the Dresden Dolls called “Bad Habit” and everyone usually thinks it’s about cutting but from what I understand, it’s actually about Amanda Palmer’s bad fingernail-biting habit. It makes sense:

biting keeps your words at bay
ending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn’t failed to follow so far

and you might say it’s self-indulgent
you might say it’s self-destructive
but you see it’s more productive
than if i were to be happy

& pens and pen-knives take the blame
crane my neck & scratch my name
but the ugly marks
are worth the momentary gain
when i jab a sharpened object in
choirs of angels seem to sing
hymns of hate in memorandum

and you might say it’s self-indulgent
you might say it’s self-destructive
but you see it’s more productive
than if i were to be healthy

and sappy songs about sex and cheating
bland accounts of two lovers meeting
make me want to give mankind a beating

and as the skin rips off
i cherish the revolting thought
that even if i quit
there’s not a chance in hell i’d stop
and anyone can see the signs
mittens in the summertime
thank-you for your pity,
you are too kind

and you might say it’s self-destructive
but you see i’d kick the bucket
sixty times before i’d kick the habit

and you might say it’s self-inflicted
but you see that’s contradictive
why on earth would anyone practice
self-destruction?

and pain opinions are sitcom feeding
they don’t know that their minds are teething
makes me want to give mankind a beating…

i’ve tried bandages and sinking
i’ve tried gloves and even thinking
i’ve tried vaseline…
i’ve tried everything…

and no-one cares if your back is bleeding
they’re concerned with their hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading…
makes me want to give myself a beating…

Hopefully I can shake this bad habit. It’s starting to hurt and I’m running out of Hello Kitty bandaids!

On a positive note…bad habits I have kicked:
-Smoking cigarettes (quit in 2008)
-Drinking alcohol (quit 11/2/2010!!)
-Cutting myself (I once was cutting 5 times a day, now I’m down to less than 5 times a year. Still the most tempting of habits when I’m in a bad place! Was a coping mechanism since age 11. Eek.)

So, if anyone sees any cute gloves out there, let me know!!

It’s actually got a name: Dermatophagia. Hmm.

Day 02- A picture of something you cannot live without.

Definitely more than 1 thing!

FAMILY!
(Mom, Dad, Aunt Beanie, Blake, Kaelyn. Lindsey, MawMaw, Nannie, Erica)

FRIENDS!
(Sarah, Kiara, Jeremy, Whitney. Danny, Miranda, Josh, Stephi, Katie)

RANDOM STUFF!
(the gulf coast, art, photography. Reading, music, road trips to visit friends, tattoos)

Memories <3
-My yorkie, Lacey. I spent nearly 12 wonderful years with her. Miss her so much!

More memories <3
-My grandfather, Rufino.

Pets!
(Cynthia, BooBoo, Annie, Violet, Rezzie)
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This should be printed and put on my gratitude list. I am truly blessed to have all of these things in my life!
I want to elaborate on each subject more, but it’s nearly 4am and I have to be up at 8:30 to go walk in the Out of the Darkness walk for suicide prevention…so that will be another topic for another day!

Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

1. I’m madly in love with my two kitties- Violet Amethyst (pictured with me, above) and Rezzie Jane.
2. My favorite song is “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones
3. I would like to front a cover band, just for fun…and wear lots of sequins while doing so!
4. I am addicted to collaging and my living room is reflecting that- it looks like a ransom note threw up in here.
5. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Been sober for a month and 3 days
6. I have a lot of sensory hang-ups. Biggest one is the feel of dry things, especially wood. (Popsicle sticks are the devil, I swear.)
7. I have 11 tattoos, I’m addicted to those too.
8. I have an addictive personality- who would’ve guessed?! I can’t do anything in moderation!
9. I am a cookie-cutter example of what a Pisces is.
10. I’ve been single for nearly 4 years, and it’s just now starting to get to me.
11. I have a bachelor’s degree in Human Services and Counseling.
12. I love to make people laugh, and often do so unintentionally without care.
13. I enjoy music and making music- love to sing and also can play guitar, piano, violin and viola.
14. I’d love to have my artwork displayed in a gallery at some point in my life.
15. I’m a super-pretentious photographer who doesn’t believe in photoshop. (Don’t get me started.)

So- I haven’t written in this blog in several months- it’s been a whirlwind of a year. I’m not starting a new blog because continuing this one will allow for the changes I’ve made to be seen. I’m 22 and just now learning who I am and that people actually do like me and possibly even love me. I’m definitely in a different place and trying to live in the present as opposed to freaking out about the future!

I’ll be doing the 30 day blog challenge as well- courtesy of my friend Kiara. $5 says it’ll take me longer than 30 days! I’ll be playing catch-up before you know it. Hope you don’t mind.

I write primarily in an actual pen and paper journal. So if this doesn’t seem complete…that’s why!

I’ve missed blogging. I also plan on some music blogging too eventually. I like to write. Maybe I’ll even post my artwork as well eventually.

Thanks for reading. LOOK OUT!